132.48 KILOS OF JOY

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PROLOGUE

NOW I KNOW WHY I NEVER HAD A TELEVISION.

LAST NIGHT I WAS WATCHING A TV PROGRAM ABOUT FAT CHILDREN….I’M SURE YOU’D REPLY “BUT…GET A LIFE, NO?” WELL… AT THE MOMENT EVERYTHING IS SO INTENSE THAT SOMETIMES WATCHING FAT PEOPLE EATING RAW PASTA IS QUITE ENJOYABLE.

I WAS FAT.

GOD IF I WAS FAT.

ACTUALLY I WASN’T ALWAYS FAT.

 

CHAPTER ONE – MY ARRIVAL AND CHILDHOOD

I CAME OUT FROM MY MUM WITH A FEW DIFFICULTIES…BASICALLY I GOT STUCK.

BUT NOT COS I WAS A PARTICULARY FAT BABY, BUT BECAUSE MY HEAD WAS TOO BIG. THE HEAD GOT STUCK SO THEY HAD TO SUCK ME OUT WITH THIS MACHINE. MY DAD FAINTED, MY MUM WAS SCREAMING AND A DOCTOR WAS HOOVERING MY MUM’S VAGINA.

NICE.

AND SO I CAME INTO THIS WORLD.

(BTW MY MUM’S DAD DIED THE SAME DAY LATER ON IN THE AFTERNOON IN THE SAME HOSPITAL JUST TWO FLOORS ABOVE…BUT THIS I’LL KEEP FOR ANOTHER TIME. BUT YES, MY ARRIVAL WAS QUITE TRAUMATIC FOR EVERYONE AND PERSONALLY I DIDN’T GET THE FULL JOY AND HAPPINESS OUT OF IT COS I HAD TO SHARE IT WITH A FUNERAL).

I GREW UP LIKE A SKINNY BITCH, READY FOR MY INSTA PICS IN MY 30’S. I WASN’T EATING MUCH, JUST NORMAL I GUESS.

I HAD A LITTLE GIRLFRIEND, CINZIA, WE USED TO FANCY EACH OTHER AND I USED TO STEAL HER UNDERWEAR AND HIDE THEM. TODAY I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT HER MUM WOULD HAVE SAID EVERYTIME SHE WAS COMING HOME WITHOUT PANTIES .

“WHERE ARE YOUR UNDERWEAR????? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????”

“AT LUCA’S”.

I GUESS IT’S THE SAME TODAY. THIS DIDN’T CHANGE MUCH.

I REMEMBER CLEARLY THE FIRST CARNIVAL AT THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. I WAS SO SKINNY THAT I DRESSED AS A SKELETON.

THE SECOND YEAR I WAS EVEN MORE SKINNY AND MY MUM CHOOSE A LOVELY LUKEMIA LOOK. (I JUST CALLED MY MUM RIGHT NOW WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS ASKING WHY THE FUCK SHE DRESSED ME AS LUKEMIA BABY????!? IT’S NOT NORMAL OR FUNNY!!!!)

ANYWAY LETS GET TO THE POINT.

THE LAST YEAR OF ELEMENTARY.

 

CHAPTER TWO – THE LAST YEAR OF ELEMENTARY

IT WAS MARCH WHEN I SUDDENLY FELT SICK. CONSTANTLY SICK AND HIGH TEMPERATURE AND THROAT ACHE.

UNFORTUNATELY I HAD TONSILLITIS.

IN ITALY THEY TRY NOT TO TAKE ANYTHING OUT FROM YOUR BODY IF NOT NECESSARY. NOT LIKE HERE IN ENGLAND WHERE THEY TOOK 3 TEETH OFF MY MOUTH TO DISCOVER THAT THE ISSUE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

IT WAS TOO BAD AND TO LATE I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY AND REMOVE THEM.

NOW IS THE INTERESTING PART. IF YOU CHECK THE REASON WHY WE HAVE THEM IT’S TO PRODUCE ENZYMES OR SOMETHING GOOD FOR US IN ORDER TO PROTECT OUR BODY BUT WE CAN LIVE AS WELL WITHOUT THEM AND MAYBE WE WILL BE JUST A BIT MORE SICK DURING OUR LIFE.

THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY. THIS IS WHAT THE DOCTOR TOLD MY PARENTS.

FOR MY BODY, MY TONSILS WERE NOT AN ENZYME FACTORY.

THEY WORKED AS DAM.

I VIVIDLY REMEMBER MYSELF IN THE HOSPITAL BED SAYING GOODBYE TO MY PARENTS WHEN THEY PUT ME IN THE LIFT EN ROUTE TO SURGERY AND I REMEMBER WHEN I WOKE UP WITH LOADS OF BLOOD RUNNING FROM MY NOSE. I HAD TO STAY 2 DAYS IN HOSPITAL BEFORE BEING RELEASED HOME.

WHAT I CLEARLY REMEMBER WAS THE DOCTOR TELLING MY MUM I MUSTN’T EAT, JUST DRINK. LIQUID CHICKEN AND LIQUID PASTA.

I’VE NO IDEA WHAT WENT WRONG IN MY BRAIN. I DUNNO IF MY INNER SELF WAS PREPARING HIS REVENGE FOR THE LIQUID CHICKEN.

I JUST KNOW THAT SINCE THE PAIN OF SWALLOWING WAS GONE AND THE CHANNEL FREE FROM ANY TONSILS, I TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS HORRIBLE FOOD MINCING MACHINE.

I WAS BITING PEOPLE, EATING ROBINS IN WINTER AND BUTTERFLIES IN SUMMER. I WAS EATING BUTTER WITH TABLE SPOON. I NEVER WANTED TO GO OUT FOR DINNER BUT ALWAYS CONVINCING MY PARENTS TO STAY HOME AND TO ORDER TAKE AWAY COS I DIDN’T WANT TO EMBARASS THEM ORDERING 4 PIZZAS IN THE RESTAURANT.

(“YES ….WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER PARTY TONIGHT…”MY MUM ORDERING ON THE PHONE)

PIZZA???

PIZZA WAS NEVER ENOUGH,. I WAS LICKING THE BOXES.

MY PARENTS COULDN’T DO ANYTHING JUST CLOSE ME IN A ROOM AND FEED ME .

AND THERE YOU GO KILO AFTER KILO I MUTATED IN THIS FAT CHUBBY KID WITH RED RASHES WHERE THE SWEAT COULDN’T DRY. IN MY BELLY BUTTON, BETWEEN MY BUM, BEHIND THE EARS AND UNDER THE ARMPITS.

I USED TO LOVE MY LITTLE BELLY BUTTON RIBBON BEFORE IT IMPLODED AND FELL DOWN IN A BLACK HOLE. YOU COULD HAVE THROWN A COIN IN THERE FOR GOOD LUCK.

STILL TODAY I DUNNO WHERE MY LITTLE BELLY BUTTON RIBBON IS GONE.

CHAPTER THREE – NEVER A TEAR

LAST NIGHT THEY WERE INTERVIEWING FAT KIDS AND THEY WERE ALL CRYING HAVING SOCIAL ISSUES.

TRUST ME, I NEVER HAD A TEAR.

CRYING? WHY? THAT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE.

I DID CRY, IT’S TRUE, BUT ONLY WHEN MY MUM FORGOT TO ORDER DOUBLE MOZZARELLA OR DOUBLE FRIED AUBERGINES ON THE PIZZA. OH YEAH I CRIED.

I WAS SUPER HAPPY. DIDN’T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. JUST HAD TO CARE ABOUT MY NEXT MEAL OR MAKE SURE MY DAD WROTE DOWN RIGHT ON THE PAPER WHILE HE WAS ORDERING TAKE AWAY.

GUESS WHAT ? CINZIA BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE AS ONE OF THE NORMAL FAT RITES-OF-PASSAGE I TURNED INTO THE CLASSIC UNDESIDERABLE THING.

I WAS ALWAYS ‘THE FUNNY ONE’, THE ‘CRAZY ONE’, ‘THE BEST FRIEND FOR EVER AND EVAH (BUT FORGET A SNOG OR A BIT OF TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH)’ OR ‘THE ONE WITH PLAYSTATION’.

WHY DO YOU NEED A GIRLFRIEND WHEN YOU HAVE PIZZA WITH BLUE CHEESE AND FRIED AUBERGINES?

FASHION? I HATED BUYING CLOTHES! WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO BE INTERESTED IN SOMETHING I CANT HAVE? I COULDN’T FIT IN ANYTHING.

THE SAME BIG ADIDAS TROUSERS AND SPORTY HOODIES. I HATED SHOPS.

I HATED GOING SHOPPING SO MUCH THAT MY MUM HAD TO ESTABLISH ONE DAY A MONTH FOR ME TO GO WITH HER TO BUY NEW CLOTHES AT THE ONLY CONDITION WE WOULD ORDER CHINESE FOOD IN THE NIGHT. AGREED.

I WAS SO FAT, BUT CLEVER, THAT I HAD 10 IN EVERY CLASS AT SCHOOL AND 3 IN GYMNASTICS. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME, WITH ME, THAT THE SCHOOL HAD TO ORGANISE AFTERNOON CLASSES OF SWIMMING IN ORDER TO IMPROVE IN MY GYMNASTIC CLASS RESULTS.

WE USED TO SAY IF YOU ARE NAKED AND YOU LOOK DOWN AND CAN’T SEE YOUR COCK THAT MEANS YOU ARE FAT.

ME IN A RED TIGHT SWIMMING WEAR MUST HAVE BEEN A PRICELESS SHOW, TRYING TO MOVE MY ARMS IN THE WATER AND SHAKING LIKE A SPARROW HAVING A BATH IN A PUDDLE. I COULDN’T EVEN CHECK IF I COULD SEE MY PENIS OR NOT COS I COULDN’T MOVE MY FACE DOWN ANYWAY FOR THE DOUBLE CHIN! WOULD I EVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE MY COCK? WHO KNOWS!

WAS I ASHAMED? NOT AT FUCKING ALL.

I WAS HAPPY.

130 KGS OF HAPPINES AND JOY.

 

CHAPTER FOUR – THE BEGINNING OF TROUBLES

ONE VERY COMMON THING FOR FAT PEOPLE IS THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR WEIGHT IS AND I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY UNTIL ONE DAY IT HAPPENED TO ME.

IT WAS EASTER. WE WENT TO SEE MY AUNTY IN THE MOUNTAINS. MY UNCLE IS AN AMAZING CHEF AND HE COOKED SO MUCH FOR ME, AN AMAZING BANQUET WITH AS MUCH MEAT AS LONDON ZOO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST BE RUDE TO REFUSE THE TWO EASTER EGGS FOR DESSERT, SO I ATE THOSE TOO.

ON THE WAY BACK IN THE CAR I WASN’T FEELING VERY WELL COS I HAD TOO MUCH FOOD…I THINK!

THEN THIS BIBLICAL THING HAPPENED. THE VOICE OF MY MUM TALKING FROM THE FRONT SEAT LIKE WHEN GOD SPOKE TO MOSES FROM A BURNING BUSH.

“LUCA!…. LUCA! ….IT’S ME……YOUR MUM! WHY WHEN WE ARRIVE HOME YOU GO ARE GOING TO CHECK YOUR WEIGHT. ALONE. JUST FOR YOURSELF.”

CALL IT ‘THE LIGHT’, CALL IT ‘ THE CALL’ BUT THIS TIME I LISTENED AND I DID IT.

AS SOON AS WE ARRIVED HOME I STARTED THIS RELIGIOUS PROCEDURE. I TOOK ALL MY CLOTHES OFF AND I WENT IN THE ROOM WITH THE SCALE. I EVEN CLOSED THE DOOR BEHIND ME LIKE SOMETHING HORRENDOUS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THAT ROOM. I LOOKED AT THE SCALE FOR A BIT BEFORE TOUCHING IT WITH ONE OF MY FAT FEET. SLOWLY I CLIMBED ON TOP. SOMETHING STARTED TO MOVE ON THE SCREEN, LOTS OF NUMBERS.

I NEVER KNEW HOW MANY NUMBERS HAD MY WEIGHT.

SUDDENLY THE NUMBERS STOPPED:

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3

 

2

 

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4

 

8

 

132,48 KGS.

A FEW SURREAL THINGS HAVE TAKEN MY BREATH AWAY IN MY LIFE AND THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT IS ONE OF THEM. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. I DON’T REMEMBER ANYTHING. I BLACKED OUT. FOR ME THAT MOMENT WILL STAY A MYSTERY. DID I MAYBE CRY MY FIRST FAT TEAR? GOD KNOWS.

I ONLY KNOW THAT SINCE I LEFT THAT ROOM I NEVER ATE AGAIN.

NOT LIKE THAT ANYWAY.

 

CHAPTER FIVE – “LUCA PLEASE…EAT.”

 

I WAS EATING 2 TOMATOES AND A YOGHURT A WEEK, MORE OR LESS.

THE OMLETTE FLIPPED ON THE OTHER SIDE.

NOW WERE MY PARENTS IMPLORING ME TO EAT.

MY MUM WAS PREPARING SANDWICHES BEFORE SHE WENT TO WORK AND WHEN I WAS COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL I USED TO THROW THEM AWAY IN THE BIN.

FOR MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THE ONLY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT WAS NOT EATING LESS OR HEALTHY.

IT WAS JUST NOT FUCKING EAT A THING BABE.

DIETS? YOU CAN FORGET! PUTTING FOOD ON THE SCALES TO MEASURE OUT YOUR GRAMS OF PASTA AND TWO SLICES OF HAM? ARE YOU JOKING? FOR SOMEONE WHO WANTS EVERYTHING AND NOW? FORGET. LOSING 1 KILO IN A MONTH FOLLOWING A HEALTH PLAN? THE ATKINS? FUCK THAT! HOW AM I GONNA LOOSE 50 KILOS THEN? IN 17 YEARS? SORRY I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT AND I NEED TO BE COOL, I NEED TO BE SKINNY, I NEED TO HAVE SEX AND I NEED IT ASAP.

IN 3 MONTHS I LOST MORE OR LESS 30 KILOS.

FOR ME WAS QUITE AMAZING I HAVE TO SAY. EVERY MORNING WHEN I WOKE UP, AFTER A LONG PISS, I WAS ALWAYS A KILO LESS.

I BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE SCALE. BUT FOR FUCK SAKE IT WAS WORKING. IT WAS STRENGTHENING FOR THE SOUL TO SEE HOW MUCH I WAS SHEDDING. AFTER 30 KILOS I STARTED TO FEEL A BIT WEAK AND SICK SO I STARTED EATING A BIT MORE.

NOW IF YOU ARE A BIT OVERWEIGHT YOU WOULD TELL ME: ”YEAH…BUT U KNOW…IT WASN’T A HEALTHY WAY…WAS VERY BAD FOR YOU…YOU SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT …”

FUCK YOU.

THAT WAS THE BEST THING I DID AT THAT TIME FOR MYSELF.

I CUT MY HAIR , I HAD MY FIRST SHAG AND I FINALLY BOUGHT THOSE SKINNY TROUSERS AND BUFFALO SHOES.

WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT. MY BUFFALO SHOES LOOK!

 

CHAPTER SIX – THE PRICE I HAD TO PAY

 

EVERYTHING SHRUNK AND WITHOUT STRETCH MARKS!            EVRYTHING APART ONE THING. MY BRAIN.

WHEN I WAS FAT I WAS HAPPY AND CARELESS.

WHEN I STARTED TO LOOSE WEIGHT I BECAME INSECURE AND FULLY CONSCIOUS.

A FEW PEOPLE SELL THEIR SOUL TO THE DEVIL. I THINK I SOLD IT TO THE SCALES THAT NIGHT IN THAT ROOM. SOMETIMES I THINK I’M A DORIAN GRAY OF THE OBESITY. THERE MUST BE ANOTHER ME SOMEWHERE KEEP GETTING FATTER AND FATTER WHILE I’M LIVING MY LIFE AS SKINNY .

THE FEELING OF “OH IT’S SO HOT LET ME TAKE THE TOP OFF”…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN….

WHEN I WAS FAT I COULDN’T WAIT TO TAKE MY TOP OFF AND TAKE SOME BREEZE ON MY TITS.

THE ‘TSHIRT COMPLEX’ STARTED WHEN I BECAME CONSCIOUS OF AN IDEAL ME I WANTED TO ACHIEVE.

IF YOU WRAP A TROMBONE IN WRAPPING PAPER YOU KNOW WHAT’S INSIDE. A TROBONE! BUT IF YOU WRAP FAECES IN GOLD FOIL THEN YOU’RE IN FOR A NASTY SURPRISE.

WHEN I WAS FAT I NEVER CHECKED MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. I COULDNT FIT IN A FUCKING MIRROR. WHEN I LOST WEIGHT I WAS CHECKING MY BELLY AFTER EVERY MEAL IN CASE A SLICE OF APPLE WOULD HAVE INCREASED MY PROFILE DRASTICALLY.

WHEN I WAS FAT I NEVER HAD SEX. WHEN I LOST WEIGHT I NEVER HAD SEX WITHOUT THE TSHIRT.

I JOINED THE GYM. OF COURSE YOU DO. NOT BECAUSE I LOVE IT. I HATE THE GYM AND I HATE EVERYONE IN THE GYM BUT IT DEFINITELY HELPED ME TO IMPROVE MY BODY AND REACH THAT IDEAL I HAD IN MY HEAD. FOR A FEW PEOPLE IT’S EASY TO HAVE A GREAT BODY BUT FOR OTHERS IT’S A HELL OF A FUCKING FULL TIME JOB AND IT’S UP TO YOU TO DO IT OR NOT.

THIS IS THE WAY I ENTERED I MY LATE 20’S, WHEN YOU BUY JEANS WITH THE WAIST OF A WASP BUT YOU STILL FEEL LIKE MAMA CASS.

 

CHAPTER SEVEN – NO TITLE

 

IF THERE IS SOMETHING I LEARNT FROM GOING TO EATING DISORDER MEETINGS IS THAT I’M NOT THE ONLY PERSON AND I’M NOT ALONE.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE STRANGE TO GO IN A EATING DISORDER MEETING. EVERY FUCKING PERSON WHO IS IN THERE IS EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD LOOKING AND PERFECT.

IT’S THE FAT BRAIN OR IF YOU WANNA SEE IT MORE POETICALLY, IT’S YOUR PORTRAIT IN THE ROOM WITH THE SCALE, LIKE DORIAN GRAY WHO KEEPS GETTING FAT.

AFTER YEARS TODAY I FEEL MUCH BETTER AND STRONGER. OBVIOUSLY UP AND DOWN LIKE EVERYONE BUT I MADE SO MANY IMPROVEMENTS.

I’M TOO BUSY TODAY, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO CHECK MY BELLY AFTER A PLATE OF LENTILS.

THE TSHIRT? I FUCKING DESIGN TSHIRTS SINCE 8 YEARS NOW…CANT FUCKING WAIT TO RIP IT OFF IN A SHAG!

I JUST FEEL A BIT SORRY FOR ALL THOSE YOUNG FAT TEARS I SAW LAST NIGHT. I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT MAYBE MY SKINNY LIFE SOMEHOW HAS BEEN MORE PAINFULL THEN THE FAT ONE.

FAT IS NOT HEALTHY, THAT’S A FACT BUT, LOOKING AT IT IN PERSPECTIVE, IT COULD BE MORE REAL AND AUTHENTIC.

………..

TODAY, IN MY 32 YEARS, I’M HAPPY THE WAY I LOOK AND HONESTLY I DON’T CARE AT ALL BUT STILL, I’M PRETTY SURE , THE DAY I WILL DIE , EVEN IF I KNOW I WILL BE DRY AND SKINNY LIKE A DATE, I WILL MAKE SURE THEY DIG A BIG HOLE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT BLOODY BAG

WHAT A FUCKING DAY YESTERDAY!

WELL I HAVE TO CONFESS ME AND JORDAN ARE NOT BIG FANS OF BEING FILMED BUT WE ENJOYED HAVING TO TALK ABOUT OUR COLLABORATION WITH PETA. THEN WE WERE SO LATE, AND JORDAN WAS SOOOOO ANNOYINGLY STRESSED THAT WE HAD TO JUMP IN A CAB AND RUN FOR DINNER AT OUR FRIEND’S HOUSE WHERE A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF OURS IS VISITING LONDON FROM L.A. BECAUSE OF FRIEZE ART EXHIBITION.

THE NIGHT WAS GREAT AND WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!

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I THINK THE REASON WHY ME AND JORDAN ARE VERY HAPPY IS COS ALL THE LOVE WE ARE RECEIVING FROM 8DIX.

I THINK THE SECRET, TO BE HONEST, IS COS WE HAVE NEVER BEEN SO TRUE TO WHAT WE ARE AND WHAT WE STAND FOR.

 

AND HERE I WANNA COME!

THIS MORNING WHEN I CHECKED MY FACEBOOK UPDATES I SAW A PIC VERY CLOSE TO ME.

 

WHEN I WAS 21 I STARTED WORKING FOR A FASHION COMPANY IN MILAN.

I WAS AN INTERN, AS YOU DO, UNPAID AND FULL OF EXPECTATIONS.

I HAD A VERY GOOD FRIEND AT THE TIME WHO WAS WORKING FOR JULIANO FUJIWARA AND ONE DAY, DURING FASHION WEEK, HE CALLED ME AND SAID:

“EHY SORRY FOR SHORT NOTICE BUT I HAVE AN INVITATION FOR THE SHOW TODAY IN 2 HOURS …U WANNA COME?”

 

WHEN U START STUDYING FASHION AND U ARE VERY YOUNG YOU THING THAT A FASHION SHOW IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKE SENSE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU WOULD KILL TO GO TO SEE ONE, YOU WOULD FLOOD THE BASEMENT ONLY THINKING TO HAVE A STANDING INVITATION AND OMG! I MEAN OMG! WHAT ABOUT THE PICS OUTSIDE BEFORE THE SHOW?!

 

I WAS LIKE THAT. ABSOLUTELY.

 

SO OF COURSE, YOU CAN IMAGINE AS SOON AS MY FRIEND PUT DOWN THE PHONE:

 

PANIC.

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I JUST CHECKED MYSELF QUICKLY…..SHOES…CONVERSE…FINE …SHAME I DIDN’T HAVE MY PRADA ONE…..TROUSERS ..WESTWOOD…YESSSSSSS…..I MEAN ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME ? STRIPY VINTAGE WESTWOOD TROUSERS….I WIN…..VEST….MMMMM…IT’S ALRIGHT..BIT PUNK AND PIRATE…IT’S ALRIGHT….AND A FLOWERY BANDANA ….YES!!!!

(YES?!??!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING ABOUT!!!!)

 

…BUT…BAG?….WHERE IS MY FUCKING BAAAAAG?!

NO BAG.

NO…BAG.

I HAD TO SIT DOWN AND BREATHE AND KEEP MY LEGS UP.

I‘VE BEEN ALWAYS VERY LUCKY WITH MY CREATIVITY SO I RAN LIKE A SQUIRREL HIT BY A CAR EVERYWHERE IN THE STUDIO.

NO BAGS. MY LIFE WAS RUINED, EVERYONE AT THE SHOW WOULD HAVE JUDGED ME AND I SAW CLEARLY IN MY HEAD THE FACE OF MY FRIEND COMPLETELY SHOCKED, LOOKING AT ME WALKING WITHOUT A BAG AT THE SHOW.

 

WAIT.

 

IN THE KITCHEN I SAW SOMETHING FAAAB!

SOMEBODY FROM THE STUDIO BOUGHT LOTS OF BREAD (CARBS?!?!? DURING FASHION WEEK!??!?!?!??) AND LEFT THIS MASSIVE BROWN PAPER BAG ON TOP OF THE KITCHEN TABLE.

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING. I JUST GRABBED THE BAG AND COMPLETELY EMPTIED ALL THE BREAD OUT ON THE TABLE, LIKE THOSE WOMEN IN THE MOVIES WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND THE GUN IN THEIR HANDBAG.

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“OK…I HAVE THE BAG” I THOUGHT, “NOW I NEED TO HAVE ‘A’ BAG”

I JUST GRABBED A THICK MARKER PEN AND I DRAW VERY QUICKLY THE CHANEL LOGO AND SOME TOPSTITCHES LIKE THE FAMOUS QUILTED BAG OF COCO. I RAN TO THE STORAGE ROOM AND CUT HALF A METRE OF THIN CHAIN….”NOW EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE AGAIN I THOUGHT!”

I WENT TO THE SHOW WITH MY PAPER BAG AND ….TO BE HONEST? IT WAS ALRIGHT ….A FEW PEOPLE COMMENTED ON THE BAG AND THAT NIGHT I WENT TO AN AFTERPARTY AND …YES ..MY BAG WAS DOING ALRIGHT.

AT 7AM OF THE DAY AFTER MY FRIEND CALLED ME AND SAID

“DID YOU SEE THE NEWSPAPER”

“MMMM..NO MOTHERFUCKER I WAS SLEEPING”

“YOUR BAG IS EVERYWHERE!”

I JUST JUMPED OUT OF BED AND RAN TO MY FLATMATE SHORT OF BREATH.

“DID…YOU….SEE…THE …PAPERS..??!?!?!”

SHE DIDN’T REPLY. SHE WAS LOOKING AT MY STIFFY SHOCKED…COS I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT MALE MORNING ISSUE COS I WAS TOO EXCITED.

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IT’S TRUE…THAT DAY MY BAG WAS EVERYWHERE.

AND THE PHOTOGRAPHER WHO TOOK THE FAMOUS SHOT MANAGED TO GET MY NUMBER AND CALLED ME ASKING IF IT WAS ALRIGHT TO SEND THE PICS AROUND.

I WENT IN THE STUDIO AND EVERYONE WAS VERY EXCITED TO SEE ME AND THE FAMOUS BAG, COS OF COURSE I WORE IT THE DAY AFTER TOO.

 ……

IT IS VERY INTERESTING HOW ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO FIRST WERE VERY EXCITED COMPLETELY CHANGED AND STARTED TO BE QUITE FIRM LIKE

“ARE U GONNA WEAR IT EVERYDAY NOW?”

OR

“YOU WERE JUST LUCKY COS IT’S JUST A STUPID IDEA”.

I CAN GO ON AND ON AND ON.

FUCK LUCA, YOU WERE SO YOUNG AT THE TIME AND IT’S ABSOLUTELY A SHAME THAT THOSE PEOPLE MANAGED TO CONVINCE YOU THAT AT THE END, IT WAS A STUPID IDEA.

I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT COS PEOPLE WERE ASKING FOR INTERVIEWS AND AT MY WORK THEY BECAME VERY AGAINST THIS IDEA AND THE DREAM PAPER BAG TURNED INTO MY NIGHTMARE.

I LISTENED TO PEOPLE, COS I THOUGHT THEY WERE RIGHT.. A FEW PEOPLE WERE JEALOUS AND I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT.

 

THAT BAG WAS SUCH A STUPID IDEA THAT THE SEASON AFTER KARL LAGERFELD COPIED THE EXACT SHAPE IN LEATHER FOR CHANEL.

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THAT BAG WAS ‘SO POINTLESS’ THAT IN THE MONTHS AFTER I SAW IT, POWERLESS AND CREDIT LESS, PRINTED ON THE MOST AMAZING MAGAZINES, INCLUDING VOGUE.AND NO…WAS NOT IN PARIS!

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OBVIOUSLY JIL SANDER AND CELINE THOUGHT THE SAME AND HATED THAT ‘STUPID BAG’ SO MUCH TO MAKE A COLLECTION ABOUT IT.

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THAT BAG WAS ‘SUCH A NONSENSE’ THAT IF YOU GO IN YOUTUBE THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF TUTORIALS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR CHANEL BAG FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, SHOWING THE FAMOUS SHOT AS THE SAMPLE.

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THAT BAG WAS ‘SUCH A WASTE OF TIME’ THAT I SAW IT PRINTED TODAY ON A FASHION BOOK WITH THE CAPTION ‘PERSON UNKNOWN’ AND PEOPLE MADE TONS OF COPIES …BUT THIS MAKES ME DEEPLY HAPPY OF PEOPLE DOING THAT.

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THAT BAG WAS JUST A ‘NOTHING-TO-DO-WITH-CREATIVITY’ THAT IF YOU GOOGLE SOME OF THE HUNDREDS OF ARTICLES YOU WILL FIND ABOUT IT, YOU WILL SEE THAT THERE IS ALWAYS THIS BIG RESEARCH OF ‘WHO MADE IT?’ AND THEY OPENED A BLOG STILL EXISTING IN ORDER TO CHECK IF YOUR BAG IS FAKE OR NOT…AND GUESS THE NAME OF THE BLOG?!

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I’M FINE WITH THAT AND I’M FINE WITH KARL, AND ACTUALLY FOR ME THIS WAS A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON.

ALWAYS TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR INSTINCT.

IT’S GOOD TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE BUT IF DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT FOR YOU…REALLY GO STRAIGHT AHEAD WITH YOUR FIRST IDEA.

AND THIS IS WHERE I WANTED TO COME FROM THE BEGINNING.

WE JUST DO WHAT WE WANT, AND THIS MAKES US FEEL HAPPY.

OH! AND THIS IS ME …SAME DAY WHEN THE PIC WAS TAKEN WITH THE ORIGINAL CHANEL PAPER BAG. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT BAG WAS GOING TO CREATE . I WAS JUST TIRED…AND DRUNK.

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LONDON I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU’RE BRINGING ME DOWN.

BROKE LONDON

DEAR LONDON,

I’M VERY SORRY TO WRITE YOU THIS IN AN EMAIL BUT YOU ARE ALWAYS TOO BUSY AT THE MOMENT PLAYING WITH YOUR RICH FRIENDS AND YOU ARE NEVER AT HOME ANYMORE OR HAVE TIME FOR US. TODAY I’M WRITING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU GOT ME IN A VERY VULNERABLE DAY. I HAD LOADS OF DOMINO PIZZA LAST NIGHT AND FEEL VERY GUILTY AND OUR HOUSE STILL STINK OF SYNTHETIC GARLIC.

I ALWAYS KNEW SINCE THE FIRST TIME I LANDED IN GATWICK AND I ASKED FOR AN ICE CREAM, WHICH WAS THE ONLY ENGLISH WORD I KNEW AT THE TIME, THAT YOU WERE NOT A EASY CITY. BUT FUCK! WHATS HAPPENED TO YOU. I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU! YOU JUST TURNED INTO A TOTAL FRIGID BITCH. I KNOW RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE WITH TIME AND AFTER OUR 8 YEARS TOGETHER I CANT EXPECT WE STILL RIP OFF OUR CLOTHES EVERYTIME WE SEE EACH OTHER BUT I THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE LIVED A NICE LIFE TOGETHER. I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING OLD TOGETHER. YOU GAVE ME AMAZING THINGS AND DAY BY DAY YOU HAVE BEEN VERY PATIENT WITH ME TEACHING ME YOUR ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LOOK! I CAN WRITE A BLOG NOW!

WE HAVE BEEN IN AMAZING RESTAURANTS, CINEMAS, WE DID LOADS OF NAUGHTY WETTY BUSINESS TOGETHER AND AT THE END YOU GAVE ME THE BEST PRESENT A MAN CAN HAVE. YOUR BABY, OUR JORDAN. I’M STILL SO THANKFUL FOR THAT. YOU DECIDED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM WHILE I WAS WORKING AS A DONKEY FOR VIVIENNE AND YOU GAVE ME THE CHANCE TO GROW PROFESSIONALLY AND ACHIEVE ALL THE AMAZING WORKING THINGS THAT I HAVE. I COULDN’T EVER DO IT WITHOUT YOU.

BUT I CAN’T STAY SITTING HERE NOW LOOKING AT YOU DOING THESE TO ME AND SWALLOWING YOUR RAIN IN SILENCE.

FIRSTLY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SUMMER? SINCE THE FIRST DAY, AND ACTUALLY EVEN BEFORE I CAME TO STAY WITH YOU PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT YOU WERE NOT VERY GOOD IN WEATHER BUT ACTUALLY YOU WERE OK FOR A FEW YEARS. I’M NOT A VERY SUMMERY PERSON SO THAT WAS NOT SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND I ALWAYS KEPT MY SUMMER IN A DRAW. BUT I LOOKED FOR THAT THIS YEAR AND THE ONE BEFORE AND I COULDN’T FIND IT. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE WITH NO RESULT AND THEN I SAW IT THERE HANGING ON A THIN THREAD OF 2 DAYS A YEAR AND I SADLY REALISED YOU SHRUNK WITH THE DIRTY WASHING TO A MISERABLE GREY RAG NOT EVEN WEARABLE FOR ANY HUMAN. EVEN OUR SMALL BEAGLE CANT FIT IN IT. MY SUMMER WAS A PRESENT AND YOU COMPLETELY DIDN’T CARE AND YOU DESTROYED IT. NOW THE COLD WINTER IS COMING AGAIN AND I WONT HAVE MY NICE SUMMER IN MY HEAD TO ENJOY AS A DISTANT MEMORY.

 

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I DON’T LIKE SOULESS NEW BUILDINGS FOR RICH PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EVEN GONNA LIVE IN THEM? HOW MANY? TELL ME? YOU KNOW IM ALLERGIC TO THAT AND STILL TODAY YOU ARE PREPARING THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY. WHAT IS THAT? A PLAN TO KILL ME COS YOU KNOW I CANT HAVE THAT? YOU ARE KEEP ADDING SALTY BILLS TO MY FAVOURITE PLACES SO NOW THEY ARE ALL THERE WITH THE SHUTTERS DOWN ON THE TABLE. I ALWAYS ADMIRED YOUR KITCHEN QUALTIES OF PUTTING PEOPLE TOGETHER AND JUST ADDING A SPRINKLE OF SPICE TO MAKE EVERYTHING TASTY BUT NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT ANYMORE. YOUR PRIORITY CHANGED SO NOW EVERYTIME I COME HOME I FIND A POSTIT ON THE FRIDGE THAT SAYS ”I COOKED FOR YOU, YOUR FROZEN DINNER IS IN THE REFRIGERATOR. IT’S COLD, IT DOESN’T TASTE OF ANYTHING COS TONIGHT YOU ARE GONNA HAVE BANK LOANS AND PETTY CASH “. I’M NOT GONNA EAT THAT , YOU KNOW IT, THAT’S WHY I ORDERED DOMINO’S PIZZA .

SINCE THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU AND WE WENT SHOPPING TOGETHER I KNEW YOU HAD AN EXPENSIVE TASTE BUT WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? YOU KNOW WHAT MY INCOME IS. WHY YOU ALWAYS ARE SO EXPENSIVE? ME AND YOUR JORDAN ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW SPACE TO MOVE THE STUDIO COS NOW OUR BRAND IS GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER AND THE KINDERGARTEN ENDED AND WE NEED TO FIND THE RIGHT SCHOOL FOR IT. WE CAN’T SEND IT TO SEVEN SITERS FOR 3,000 A MONTH PLUS BUSINESS RATES. HOW CAN WE AFFORD THAT? IF YOU KEEP BEHAVING LIKE THAT WE ARE GOING TO PLACE IT IN THE WRONG SPACE, AN UNSUITABLE SPACE FOR IT AND ALL THE EFFORT WE PUT IN WILL VANISH. WHY IS EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SO EXPENSIVE? HOW DO YOU THINK ME AND JORDAN CAN KEEP THINGS ALIVE WITH THAT. DO YOU WANT US TO MOVE OUT? WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY IT CLEARLY. YOUR BILLS ARE INSANELY EXPENSIVE LIKE YOUR RENTING RATES. YOU COST A LOT FOR TRAVELLING TOO. YOU WERE ALWAYS VERY FAMOUS FOR NURTURING CREATIVE PEOPLE BUT NOW YOU DON’T LIKE THEM ANY MORE. NOW YOU KEEP HANGING AROUND WITH FOREIGN INVESTORS. YOU ARE NOT GONNA LEAVE SPACE FOR US, YOU ARE FORCING US TO MOVE AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF ALONE WITH YOUR QATARI INVESTORS IN EARLS COURT.

WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 

WHEN I MET YOU, YOU HAD A VERY GREAT TASTE IN VINTAGE AND AUTHENTIC STUFF. LOOK AT YOU NOW! YOU JUST WEAR SHINY COLD METAL CLOTHES, WITH BIG GLASS WINDOWS AND CRANES ALL AROUND YOUR NECK. YOU ALWAYS LOVED A REAL NICE WARM ESPRESSO AND NICE LITTLE ACTIVITIES BUT HOW MANY STARBUCKS AND H&M ARE YOU PLANNING TO OPEN IN PORTOBELLO ROAD?

I KNOW SEX IS NOT THE MAIN THING IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT FOR ME IT’S IMPORTANT. YOU WERE FULL OF SURPRISES, YOU UNDERSTOOD THE THINGS I LIKED IMMEDIATELY. YOU SHOWED ME YOUR SECRET PLACES AND I REALLY ENJOYED BEING IN THEM. NOW YOU KEEP WORKING LATE EVERYDAY WITH YOUR INVESTORS AND WHEN YOU GET HOME YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ME ANY MORE. ALL YOUR SMALL HOLES I LOVED TO GO ARE CLOSED.

SORRY LONDON, MAYBE THIS CAN OFFEND YOU BUT YES, YOU ARE A BIT ‘CLOSED’ AT THE MOMENT.

YOU ARE FORCING ME TO STAY HOME ALONE IN THE EVENINGS AND JOINING AGAIN HORRIBLE APPS…..I DON’T WANNA DO THAT. I STILL LOVE YOU AND STILL WANNA HAVE FUN WITH YOU. I CANT EVEN START TO CONSIDER THE FACT THAT MAYBE YOU DON’T LIKE ME. I MOVED WITH YOU COS YOU WERE ALWAYS OPEN TO ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME. LOOK WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE WORLD, I ALWAYS FELT VERY PRIVILEGE TO LIVE WITH YOU. CMON YOU KNOW I STILL LOVE WHEN YOU SHOW ME YOUR ‘BLACK CAP’! I STILL WANNA BE DRUNK AND PLAY ‘GEORGE&DRAGON’ WITH YOU AND AFTER FALLING ASLEEP WITH OUR FEET ‘JOINERS’ TOGETHER. I DIDN’T LIKE TAKING FROM ‘BEYOND’ BUT REALLY LONDON, YOU ARE CLOSING EVRYTHING! IT’S IMPORTANT ALL THIS STUFF IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

MAYBE YOU WON’T EVEN CARE WHEN YOU WILL READ THIS EMAIL COS YOU ARE DIFFERENT NOW. YOU HAVE CHANGED. I DON’T WANT TO MOVE BUT YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME ANY OTHER CHOICE. I’M GONNA TAKE YOUR JORDAN WITH ME AND I SPOKE ALREADY WITH AN IMMIGRATION LAYWER. HE SAID THAT IF WE MOVE YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO SEE HIM ONLY ONCE A YEAR. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? 

I’M GONNA MOVE IN MY FRIEND’S LOS ANGELES FOR COUPLE OF WEEKS IN OCTOBER, SHE SAID TO ME THAT I NEED TO LEAVE YOU COS ME AND JORDAN CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE THERE. THIS WILL GIVE YOU TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I WROTE TO YOU.

I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE YOU COS I STILL LOVE YOU AND CAN’T THINK OUR STORY ENDS HERE BUT LONDON YOU ARE NOT MAKING ME HAPPY.

YOU WON’T FIND ME HOME TONIGHT, BUT THE DOMINO’S NUMBER IS PINNED ON THE FIRDGE IN CASE YOU FANCY SOME OLD PIZZA AND A MOVIE, LIKE WE USED TO DO.

 

YOUR LUCA LUCIFER XXX

SMOKING SERIUOSLY HARMS YOU AND OTHERS AROUND YOU.

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“IM SURE THIS IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU DID….”

THIS GUY TOLD ME WHILE HE WAS STUDYING MY TATTOES THE OTHER NIGHT.

“ANYWAY YOU’RE CUTE…”

IM NOT EVEN GONNA START TO DESCRIBE MY HATE FOR THE WORD ‘CUTE’. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BE CUTE.CUTE???? HOW AWFUL AND TERRIBLY UNSEXY.CUTE IS WORSE THEN WHEN I WAS AS FAT AS A PEACH IN A BOWL OF CHERRIES AND PEOPLE CALLING ME THE “NICE ONE” .YES ! “NICE ONE” WHICH MENT HOPELESS TO DUNK THE BISCUIT IN THE MUG .

ANYWAY THIS IS AN OLD FAT STORY.

I DID A FEW STUPID THINGS IN MY LIFE LIKE THROWING EGGS AT MY TEACHER (GOT ARRESTED AND STILL FEEL SORRY ABOUT IT COS I WASN’T VEGAN AT THE TIME!) ,CHOOSING TO BE HOMELESS (NOT JOCKING) FOR MONTHS IN ST.TROPEZ, SPENDING 1600 EUROS FOR A PAIR OF DIOR JEANS COVERED IN SILVER GLITTER , RUNNING NAKED IN THE STREETS OF MILAN WITH A BOX OF CEREALS AND A DEAD CAT IN MY HANDS…..AND A FEW OTHER BASIC THINGS THAT NOW I DON’T REMEMBER.

BUT!

IF I SIT DOWN WITH MYSELF AND ASK MYSELF :”LUCA, REALLY, WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU DID?” YES! I WOULD HAVE THE ANSWEAR.

THE OTHER NIGHT SOMEBODY SAID TO ME, I LOVE YOUR BLOG BUT BE CAREFULL NOT TO GIVE TO MUCH AWAY TO PEOPLE. IT’S TRUE ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WHO GOT RIMMED ON A STAGE IN MILAN IN FRONT OF HUNDREADS PEOPLE.

(WASN’T ME, WAS MY FRIEND!)

EVERYONE HAS A SCHELETON IN THE WARDROBE, MY PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE A FUCKING CEMETRY.

I WONT LIVE LONG, I KNOW , I TOOK TO MUCH MAYONNAISE WHEN I WAS YOUNG…AND YOU KNOW THAT STUFF BURNS YOUR BRAIN AND IS A GATEWAY DRUG FOR HARDER THINGS. MY GRANDCHILDREN WONT HAVE THEYR GRANDPA TO TELL THE STORY OF HIS LIFE , THEY JUST NEED TO GO IN WORDPRESS.COM.

IMAGINE THAT ! I GROW UP WITH MY NAN TELLING ME SHE HAD TO GIVE BIRTH TO MY DADDY UNDER A TABLE IN THE KITCHEN COUSE NAZI PLANE WERE READY TO BOMB AND MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL READ THAT THEIR GRANDPA ‘S ….FRIEND! WAS RIMMED ON A STAGE .

LITTLE PROLOG FIRST: I HAVE TWO SISTERS, I MEAN NOT REAL SISTERS , I MEAN YES THEY ARE REAL .

ONE LIVES IN FARRINGDON AND THE OTHER ONE IN CLAPHAM SOUTH.I HAVE A REAL BROTHER , WHICH I LOVE , BUT I HAVE TWO SISTERS TOO.ACTUALLY BLOKES. DEEP FRIENDS (BUT WE NEVER WENT DEEP IN EACH OTHER). WE CALL US SISTERS….HOW HOMOSEXUAL IS THAT. I DON’T WANT TO SAY THEIR NAME IN MY BLOG COUSE AS I SAID I LOVE THEM !!!! WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER WE ARE A MIX OF WITCHY-BITCHY-FILTHY FUN. AS I SAID BEFORE ONE LIVES IN FARRINGDON, WHO IM GONNA CALL “FAIRY” AND THE OTHER ONE IN CLAPHAM SOUTH AND IM GONNA CALL “CLAPPY -ASS”. FAIRY COMES FROM AN OLD DINASTY OF WHITE WITCHES AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK WITH HER, CLAPPY-ASS , WHEN SHE IS NOT HIGH, BARELY REMEMBERS IM HIS FRIEND. FAIRY AND CLAPPY –ASS ARE GONNA BE VERY PRESENT IN FUTURE POSTS COUSE I SPEND WITH THEM MOST OF MY TIME.

WHEN I MOVED TO LONDON I WAS DESPERETE TO GO CLUBBING IN THE WORLD-WIDE FAMOUS LONDON CLABBING SCENE.

I HAD TO REALISE QUICKLY THAT WASN’T AS SPECIAL AS I EXPECTED REALLY. WAS JUST ‘ALRIGHT’ LIKE EVERYWHERE ELSE. NOT BETTER THEN MILAN I HAVE TO SAY. I DIDN’T LIKE IT AND I WAS STARTING TO GET A BIT DEPRESSED ABOUT IT.

ONE NIGHT CLAPPY-ASS CALLED ME AT THE PHONE WHILE I WAS FRYING CHIPS, AND SAID:

“HEY, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ABOUT TORTURE GARDEN?”

AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT NAME I RUN TO WEAR MY DUNGAREES AND HUNTER BOOTS.

“IM READY , WHERE?”- I SAID.

“IT’S NOT A GARDEN “- HE SAID.

HE MADE ME DISCOVER THAT A PARTY WAS HELD ONCE A MONTH IN LONDON AND THE THEME WAS SEXUAL-FETISH-TORTURING STUFF.

NOW WE ARE TALKING LONDON, I THOUGHT.

WE DECIDE TO GO, THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY WE WERE THERE. WE BOUGHT TICKETS ONLINE,45 BLOODY QUID, AND THE BIG ‘WHAT TO WEAR?’ DRAMA IMMEDIATELY STARTED.

WE HAD TO WEAR LATEX.

I MOVED FROM MILAN VERY QUIKLY SO I HAD WITH ME ONLY A PAIR OF LEDERHOSEN AND SOME DOLCE&GABBANA CARP MOCASSINS. VERY NICE LUCA. WE WENT IN WATERLOO IN THE SHOP WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE BEST LATEX STORE IN LONDON AND WE SPLASH ALL OUR SALARY CASH. WE CHOOSE SOMETHING VERY DESCREET FOR THE NIGHT. I WENT AS A LATEXY-SS GARD (MAYBE COS OF MY NAN’S TALES) AND HE WENT FOR A HORSE LOOK.

GREAT, OUTFIT WAS SORTED.

THE NIGHT CAME AND I COULDN’T SLEEP THE NIGHT BEFORE LIKE WHEN I WAS A CHILD BEFORE LEAVING FOR HOLIDAYS. WE TOOK THE TUBE TO GO TO THE VENUE …OF COURSE AT THE END OF THE DAY WE WERE JUST A NAZI ON A HORSE. THE QUEUE OUTSIDE WAS MASSIVE BUT I HAVE TO SAY I SAW THE BEST LOOKS I NEVER SAW AGAIN IN LONDON.

AS SOON I WENT IN I COULDN’T BELIEVE MY EARS! TEKNO!

I SPENT ALL MY LIFE LOOKING FOR A PLACE THAT PLAYS TEKNO LIKE PALOMA FAITH IS STILL LOOKING FOR A BIT OF FAME (TRUST ME I WORKED FOR WESTWOOD FOR 5 YEARS AND SHE LOOOOVES VIV BUT …WHO THE FUCK IS SHE?????STILL DUNNO) AND NOW HERE IT IS-TEKNO.

WAS MY FIRST TIME I WAS WEARING LATEX AND IF IN THE BEGINNING WAS QUITE PAINFULL, IM NOT ONE OF THOSE SMOOTHIE TWINKS, I HAVE TO CONFESS, WITH A BIT OF SWEAT, BECAME THE MOST CONFORTABLE PLEASURABLE FABRIC I HAVE EVER WORN.

THE NIGHT WAS GREAT, ME AND CLAPPY-ASS DANCED SO MUCH .WE CLIMBED ON CAGES AND WE DRUNK THE BAR. (BTW JORDAN WASN’T EXISTING AT THE TIME BUT IM SURE WAS HOME MAKING HATS!!!)

WE HAD LOADS OF CIGARETTES BREAKS IN THE SMOKING AREA BUT ONE SMOKE OUT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE EVER DID. WE WERE STANDING ON A WALL CHATTING, WELL GURNING, WHEN THIS GUY CAME. HE WAS JUST WEARING BLACK LATEX PANTS. HE STARTED GURNING TO US AND WE GURNED BACK TO HIM FOR GOOD 10 MINS. AFTER HE FINISHED HIS CIGARETTE WITH SUCH A NONCHALANCE HE SWITCHED IT OFF ON MY ARM.

NOW, IN THAT SECOND I SAW ALL MY LIFE, MY EYES BECAME RED AND FULL OF TEARS , THE TOES IN MY SHOES MADE A BOW AND MY COCK RETRACTED LIKE A SNAIL IN THE SHELL. IT WAS SOOOO HORRIBLE THAT I SCREAMED WITH ALL MY VOICE:

“O MY GOOOOOOOD, THIS IS SOOOOO NICE!”

THE FRIEND OF THE GUY IN PANTS WAS SMOKING NEXT TO CLAPPY -ASS AND HE DECIDED TO DO THE SAME TO MY SISTER. CLAPPY-ASS WAS SO MUCH IN PAIN THAT HE SCREAMED:

“PLEASE AGAIN”

AND THERE WE WERE STANDING IN THE GARDEN OF TORTURE . OR BETTER, IN THE SMOKING AREA OF TORTURE. FROM THAT MOMENT ME AND CLAPPY-ASS BECAME THE ATTRACTION OF THE WHOLE SMOKING AREA. BASICALLY WE TURNED INTO HUMAN ASHTRAYS. EVERYONE WAS ALLOWED TO FINISH THEYR FAGS ON US.

DID WE LIKE IT? YES WE DID. I CANT DENY WE DIDN’T HAVE FUN.

WE KEPT GOING IN , HAVING A DANCE, GOING OUT HAVING A FAG SWITCHED ON OUR HANDS , GOING IN FOR A KNEES UP AND GOING OUT FOR ANOTHER CIGARETTE BUTT IN THE FLESH.

WE ENDED UP STAYING SO LATE THAT THEY HAD TO THROW US OUT. WAS 7 AM AND WE LOOKED FOR A CAB.

THE MUSIC AT TORTURE GARDEN IS SO LOUD THAT WHEN U LEAVE YOU CANT HEAR ANYTHING FOR WEEKS. WE SAT IN THE CAB ALL SQUEEKING FOR THE LATEX , AND WE TOLD THE ADDRESS WE WANTED TO GO.

THE CAB DRIVER UNEXPECTEDLY SAID VERY FIRMLY:

“NO GUYS, IM GONNA BRING YOU TO THE EMERGENCY”

ME AND CLAPPHY-ASS DIDN’T REPLY , WE WERE LOOKING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW . WE DIDN’T REPLY COUSE WE COULDNT HEAR HIM!

“GUYS, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY”

FINALLY CLAPPY-ASS HEARD A SOUND AND ANSWERED:

“WHY?”

IF I IMAGINE WHAT THE CAB DRIVER SAW IN THE BACK OF HIS CAR IT MUST HAVE BEEN WHAT’S LEFT OF TWO GUYS , ONE DRESSED AS SS GUARD AND THE OTHER ONE AS A HORSE, WITH SWEAT DRIBBLING OUT FROM THE LATEX TROUSERS COVERED IN SMOKY BULLET HOLES LOOKING AT HIM KEEP TELLING AN ADDRESS.

IF YOU EVER BURNT YOURSELF , YOU WOULD KNOW THAT BURN MARKS DON’T BLEED , THEY JUST OOZE THIS TRANSPARENT LIQUID. ME AND CLAPPY-ASS WERE DRIBBLING THAT STUFF LIKE WHEN JORDAN DRIBBLES WHEN HE SEES A NEW HABERDASHERY.

MONDAY CAME AND ME AND CLAPPY-ASS WENT BACK TO WORK. TWO BANDAGED MUMMIES CHECKED-IN IN THE RECEPTION.

I WAS WORKING IN WESTWOOD AT THE TIME AND I WAS WEARING ONLY SQUIGLE SHIRTS.IF YOU HAVE ONE OR YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN. FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE , SQUIGGLE SHIRTS ARE THOSE DIABOLICAL TOPS THAT VIVIENNE KEEPS DOING SINCE THE ‘PIRATE’ PIRIOD WICH IS BASICALLY A CHINESE TRAP. IT’S A SQUARE WITH SLEEVES WHERE ONE SLEEVE IS MORE IN THE BACK , THE OTHER ONE IS IN THE FRONT, THE NECK IS WHERE THE BOTTOM IS AND THERE IS NO BOTTOM BASICALLY.WHEN YOU GO IN TO WEAR IT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE PERFORMING FOR SIA AND ONCE YOU ARE IN, IF YOU ARE IN , YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN COUSE YOU THINK SOMETHING VERY BAD JUST HAPPENED TO YOU.AFTER MANY YEARS OF WEARING THEM YOU NEED PHYSIOTHERAPY TO REPLACE YOUR SPINE STRAIGHT AND FRIDA KHALO WOULD BE COLD DEAD ONLY TRYING TO GET IN THE FIRST SLEEVE. BY THE TIME YOU HAVE GOT YOUR LEFT ARM IN THE RIGHT HOLE AND THE LEFT LEG ON THE BLUE CIRCLE AND FIGURED OUT THE FRONT FROM THE SIDE YOU END UP LOOKING LIKE STEPHEN HOWKING.

ANYWAY MY SQUGGLE TOP WASN’T THE BEST CHOICE COS THE ASSIMMETRIC CUT WAS REVEALING ALL MY BANDAGES.

VIVIENNE CAME TO ME AND ASKED ME VERY SHOCKED :

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

I LOOKED AT CLAPPY-ASS AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO ANSWEAR. FROM ALL THE MILIONS OF POSSIBILITIES I CHOOSE THE INTINCT ONE:

“WE WERE HAVING A HOUSE PARTY AND WE WERE FRYING CHIPS AND THE POT FELL AND ALL OIL JUMPED ON US…”

CLAPPY-ASS LOOKED AT ME WITH HIS JAW OPEN.NOW TELL ME, WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD I HAVE SAID????

WITH VIVIENNE WAS EASY , TOO EASY, WENT SMOOTH LIKE BUTTER ON TOAST.SHE JUST REPLIED:

“A, OK. BUT IS NOT GOOD. FRYING OIL IS BAD FOR THE ENVIROMENT.” THANX VIVIENNE.

WHAT WAS MORE DIFFICULT WAS WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE FROM THE COMPANY. WE HAD TO STICK ON THE CHIPS-POT PLAN. WAS TOO LATE. IN FEW DAYS OUR LIE STARTED TO STINK OF SMOKE LIKE ME AND CLAPPY-ASS WERE STINKING OF SUNDAY ROAST IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAB TWO NIGHTS BEFORE.

YES, THIS IS THE MOST STUPID THING I EVER DID. IS THE ONLY THING I REGRET IN MY LIFE. IF I WOULD GO BACK I WOULDNT DO IT AGAIN. IT TOOK MONTHS TO HEAL, WAS PAINFULL FOR WEEKS, ONE HOLE MADE INFECTION AND I HAVE SCARS EVERYWHERE. WHEN IM NAKED I LOOK LIKE SPONGEBOB.STILL TODAY ME AND CLAPPY-ASS REMEMBER THAT EPISODE WITH HORROR AND SOMETIMES WHEN WE KNOW WE ARE ENDING IN A DODGY SITUATION WE LOOK TO EACH OTHER IN THE EYES AND USING THAT EXPERIENCE AS A WARNING.

ANYWAY THIS HAPPENED YEARS AGO , WHEN I WAS STILL YOUNG, FRESH TO LONDON AND STILL NOT A DIRECTOR OF A COMPANY WITH SHAREHOLDERS!!!!

HASHTAG: BUT FUCK IF I LOVE MAYONNAISE THO.

MY JOURNEY TO SOBRIETY COST 7 QUID.

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SOBER SINCE 6 MONTHS FROM ALCOHOL SOUNDS CRAZY TO ME!

I STARTED DRINKING WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, MAYBE 14 YEARS OLD WITH MY FRIENDS FROM THE MOUNTAINS.

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO THERE! OR YOU DRINK OR YOU WALK THROUGH WONDERFUL PATHS DISCOVERING THE BEAUTY OF NATURE. I DRUNK AND DISCOVERED THE WORST OF MYSELF!

 

I USED TO DRINK VODKA. FIRST STRAWBERRY VODKA.ACTUALLY I BROKE MY WRIST WITH IT . THEN ONE NIGHT MAYBE COS I HAD TOO MUCH IVE BEEN SO SICK THAT FROM THAT DAY I CANT EVEN LOOK AT IT IN THE STORE. SO I WENT FOR THE MELON ONE. SWEET AND DELICIOUS AND DURING THE DRUNKEN SNOGGIES I FELT I WAS KISSING BRAZILIANS GIRLS ON THE BEACHES OF RIO. SAME THING HAPPENED .SICK AGAIN. GOODBYE MELON VODKA. BASICALLY I TRIED ALL THE DIFFERENT FLAVOURS TILL THE POINT IVE BEEN SICK WITH ALL OF THEM .WHEN I SAY ALL OF THEM I REALLY MEAN IT. I WAS SICK EVEN WITH THE NETTLES ONE!!!! VODKA COMPLETELY WENT OUT FROM MY UNIVERSE.

TEQUILA WAS THE WAY FORWARD BUT WAS EASIER WITH IT. THE NIGHT I STARTED WITH IT WAS THE NIGHT I QUIT. IVE BEEN SO SICK THAT I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA VOMIT MY BONES. STILL TODAY EVERY TIME IM IN A CLUB AND SEE OR SMELL TEQUILA SHOTS I HAVE TO RUN IN THE TOILET LIKE A WOMAN ON THE 3RD MONTH OF PREGNANCY.

I MOVED TO THE GLAMOROUS MILAN AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR PRADA SHOES AND YOUR JIL SANDER TROUSERS YOU CANT GO FOR PURE ALCOHOL,YOU NEED A COCKTAIL BABE. I TRIED ALL OF THEM BUT NOT FOR ME. CAIPIRINHA ,CAIPIROSKA …TOO SWEET AND SECONDLY I CANT BE BOTHERED TO WAIT FOR THE BARMAN TO DO HIS BORING SHOW.

“I WANT MY DRINK”

-AND HE FLIP THE GLASS IN THE AIR-

“I WANT MY DRINK NOW”

– AND HE FLIPS THE BOTTLE FROM ONE HAND TO THE OTHER-

“CAN I HAVE MY DRINK PLEASE”

– AND HE MAKE S A PIROUETTE-

“LISTEN MOTHERFUCKER GIVE IT TO ME “

–HE THROW A PIECE OF LEMON IN THE MIXER-

“GIVE IT TO MEEE I WANNA GET PISSED “

– HE SHAKES IT SHOWING ME THE TRICEPS-

“LISTEN I CANT BE BOTHERED TO WATCH YOU JUST GIVE MY FUCKING COCKTAIL I CAN MIX IT WITH THE STRAW AND WHO IS TASTING THE PERFECT COMBINATION ANYWAY???? I JUST WANT TO GET LAID .”

 

THEN CARRIE BRADSHAW CAME ON THE TELLY AND I STARTED DRINKING THAT STUFF LIKE COSMOPOLITAN OR MANHATTAN FIRSTLY COS I WAS STRAIGHT AND SECONDLY BECAUSE IS VERY NICE TO DRINK ON A THIN,LIKE PAPER, GLASS WITH THE SHAPE OF A TOILET SEAT. I LOOKED LIKE A WANKER AS MUCH AS YOU LOOK NOW WHEN U DRINK THEM. …..AND THE OLIVE, FOR FUCK SAKE , WHERE IS MY DIRTY OLIVE. PRICK.

I WENT FOR RUM AND COKE. THAT WAS BLOODY GOOD FOR ME. I HAD SOOOOOOOO MANY IN MY LIFE.I THINK I HAD MORE RUM AND COKE THEN DIFFERENT EMAILS ACCOUNTS TO ACCESS ON GRINDR COS I ALWAYS FORGOT THEM.

I MOVED TO LONDON WHERE EVERYTHING COSTS IN PROPORTION. IF A SHITHOLE WITH MICE IN MILE END COSTS 900£ A MONTH FOR A BED OF COURSE MY RUM AND COKE COSTS 17 QUID. I HAD TO GET USED TO THE IDEA THAT THOSE DAYS WERE GONE AND I BECAME ONE OF THOSE OF THE RED STRIPE TRIBE.

I ALWAYS HATED BEER, ALWAYS. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID MY DAD WAS DRINKING IT.

I HATED IT.

3 MONTHS IN LONDON AND I WAS EVEN LICKING THE ONE THAT WAS SPILLED ON THE TABLE. 

“DO YOU WANT A PINT?” –“ YES WHY NOT”

WHY NOT?????

COS IS 10 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING LUCA!

IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. BEER GIVES YOU A BELLY AND I BECAME 4 MONTHS PREGNANT FOR I WOULD SAY GOOD 4 YEARS.

I HAD TO STOP THAT.

IN ITALY WE ARE PRETTY EASY AND WE SAY THAT IF YOU LOOK DOWN AND YOU CANT SEE YOUR COCK, THAT MEANS YOU ARE FAT.

MOTHER NATURE WAS GENEROUS WITH ME SO I THINK I WOULD STILL SEE IT EVEN IF I WAS A COW BUT SOMEHOW IT LOOKED ALWAYS A BIT SMALLER.

MY INDIAN PERSONAL TRAINER (I CAN WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HIM) TOLD ME TO DRINK GIN, IS NOT TOO FAT AND NOT EXPENSIVE. JORDAN TOLD ME THAT GIN AND TONIC MAKES YOU SAD AND DEPRESSED. (CANT MAKE ME MORE SAD AND DEPRESSED I THOUGHT!) I WENT FOR IT.

GIN AND TONIC WAS THE DRINK I KEPT DRINKING TILL THE DAY I STOPPED.

WHY I WAS DRINKING? WELL LETS SAY FIRST FOR FUN , C’MON DRINKING AND GET PISSED IS BLOODY GREAT.

SECONDLY COS, LIKE EVERYONE, I HAD EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS TO KILL WITH ALCOHOL BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT SINCE I QUIT DRINKING I DON’T HAVE THOSE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS ANYMORE!!!

DRINKING MAKES YOU ENJOY MORE, LAUGH MORE, BE MORE STUPID, BE MORE BRAVE, TALK TO MORE PEOPLE. DRINKING IS ABOUT “MORE” AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M OLD ENOUGH AND CANT BE BOTHERED WITH “MORE” ANYMORE.

I GET IT FOR WHAT IT IS.

IF A CLUB IS BORING I LEAVE. IF I DUNNO WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHY DO I NEED TO TALK TO THIS PERSON?

I’M TAURUS, IM BLACK AND WHITE NO FUCKING SHADES OF GREY. I CAN’T HAVE A GLASS OF ALCOHOL TO BREAK THE ICE AND BE FINE. IF I DRINK I’M GONNA GO HOME WALKING ON MY EARS.

WORK IS PRETTY STRESSFUL AND THE LAST PERIOD I WAS DRINKING A BIT TOO MUCH AND SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY. I WASN’T FEELING GREAT AND I WAS WAKING UP CONSTANTLY SAD AND HUNGOVER. I WAS GETTING THERE….

DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE REASON WHY I QUIT?

NO.

 UBER IS THE REASON WHY I QUIT!

NOW , YOU WOULD SAY WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAS UBER TO DO WITH DRINKING. WELL FOR ME IT DOES! IS LIKE PUTTING SAMPHIRE ON EGGS. THEY DON’T SOUND RIGHT TOGETHER BUT WHEN YOU TRY IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.

 LETS START SAYING I’M NOT A NIGHT BUS PERSON. WHEN I LEAVE A CLUB I NEED A CAB. AND I NEED IT NOW.

CABS ARE EXPENSIVE AND I ALWAYS PUT THEM IN THE BUDGET FOR MY BUSINESS PLAN OF A NIGHT OUT. (SPENT TO MUCH TIME WITH THE ACCOUNTANT TODAY!). DRUNK IN A BUS AT 5 AM GOING THROUGH DALSTON, PADDINGTON, PUTNEY, KENSINGTON, VAUXHALL, WEST BROMPTON, SURREY, WOKING , EMBANKMENT AND FINALLY WHITECHAPEL (COS THAT’S THE ROUTE USUALLY) , NO NOT FOR ME. 

UBER CAME AND CHANGES ALL OUR LIVES. YOU HAVE TO HAVE UBER TODAY.

IT’S SO CHEAP. I CAN GO HOME FROM SOHO TO NOTTING HILL WITH 7/8 QUID…8 BLOODY QUID!!!! UBER IS THE NEW MESSIAH.

UBER HAS ONLY A PROBLEM . THEY ARE JUST NORMAL CARS.

I ALWAYS SUFFERED CAR SICK WHEN I WAS KID. I LOVE DRIVING BUT IN THE BACK SEAT IM FUCKED.

AS YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IMMEDIATELY I STARTED TAKING UBER TO GO HOME COMPLETELY PISSED. A BLACK CAB IS A DIFFERENT TYPE OF CAR. IS BIGGER AND THE BACK SEAT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE LIVING ROOM. EVERYTHING MAKES NOISE WHEN IT MOVES AND YOU KEEP JUMPING AND THE DOORS ALWAYS LOCKED WHEN IT STOPS WHILE YOU ARE RESTING YOUR DRUNKEN HEAD ON THE WINDOW JUMPING ABOUT FROM THE FEAR OF THE LOCKING NOISE. YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CAB DRIVER AND YOU CAN EXTEND YOUR LEGS.

UBER IS THE OPPOSITE. IT’S LIKE PUTTING A GOLDFISH IN SALTY WATER IN A BOWL ON A SPINNING WASHING MACHINE .

YOU HAVE TO SEAT IN THE BACK, LOWER THEN A TOILET, ON SWEATY CHEAP LEATHER SEATS WITH A MASSIVE FRONT SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU, WITH THE SMELL OF THE INDIAN DRIVER’S ARMPITS AND BE READY TO TALK FOR THE ALL JOURNEY.

I REALLY DON’T WANNA TALK OR MAYBE I CAN TALK TO YOU WITHOUT VOWELS LETTERS COS THEY ARE PERFECTLY DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU VOMIT IF YOU ARE DRUNK.

I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU, REALLY I DON’T, I’M DRUNK AND WANNA GO HOME STINKING OF GIN AND NOT EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME TO MY BOYFRIEND (7 YEARS IN RECOVERY FROM ALCOHOL), WHO I’M SURE IS WAITING TO WELCOME ME!!!!!! (POOR JORDAN, I’M SO HAPPY I QUIT)

 

UNFORTUNATELY THIS WASN’T THE CASE FOR ME.

10 MINS IN THE UBER AND IT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME. ME AND THE DRIVER AT THE CAR WASH COS MY VEGAN DINNER WAS ON THE BACK SEAT AGAIN.

I TURNED INTO THOSE HORRIBLE ENGLISH GIRLS WITH BARE FEET IN THE STREET HOLDING THEIR HORRIBLE OFFICE STILETTOS WHILE THEY ARE VOMITING ALL OVER THEIR ZARA DRESSES.

I COULDN’T STOP VOMITING IN THE UBER. I COULDN’T BE DRUNK ANYMORE IN AN UBER. I HAD TO ADD IN THE BUDGET OF THE NIGHT 40 QUID MORE FOR CAR WASH.

THIS HAD TO STOP. SO I DECIDED TO QUIT.

NOW IT’S 6 MONTHS AND I FEEL GREAT AND DONT MISS IT AT ALL. I’M STILL HAVING LOTS OF FUN AND CAN FINALLY TAKE AN UBER LIKE A WELL MANNERED LADY SITTING IN MY BACK SEAT WITH MY PURSE ON MY KNEES, TIGHT IN MY BOTTLE-GREEN CARDIGAN , WITH PEARLS NECKLACE AND SMILING TO THE DRIVER LIKE JULIA ROBERTS WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME FROM THE MIRROR. I LEARNT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FAMILY BUSINESS OF ALL THE UBER DRIVERS IN LONDON AND APPARENTLY MY ACCOUNT JUMPED TO ONE OF THE BEST RATED.

I’M SORRY IF I DISAPPOINTED FEW PEOPLE WHO WERE DESPERATE TO KNOW WHERE I FOUND THE STRENGTH TO PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE AND KEEP GOING IN LIFE. MINE IS NOT A DEEP BLOG. I LIKE IT DEEP BUT NOT IN THIS CASE. YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU WANT TO READ DEEP LIFE-CHANGING STUFF.

 

HASHTAG: I FOUND MY HIGHER POWER. IT’S AN APP!

BITCH BETTER HAVE MY CARPET

JORDAN LAST NIGHT.

JORDAN LAST NIGHT.

I HAD TO GO ON HOLIDAY IN GREECE TO BRING BACK AS SOUVENIR A VERY OLD AND PRECIOUS HANDWOVEN MEXICAN CARPET!

ANYWAY….

I LOVE THAT CARPET, I LOVE THE DESIGN AND THE MATERIAL…I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

YESTERDAY , SATURDAY, I WENT TO SEE MY FRIEND DECLAN SHEILS AT THE SALON.DECLAN IS THE KING OF HAIR, SUPER TALENTED AND HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY HAIR AND MAKE THEM GREEN AS HELL. HE WORKS WITH THE BEST FASHION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND I ALWAYS ENJOY OUR HAIRDRESSER GOSSIPING WHEN I GO TO SEE HIM….AND , I NEED TO ADD ANOTHER AND , HIS BLEACH NEVER FUCKING BURN!!!!!

AFTER THE WHOLE AFTERNOON SPENT WITH DECLAN I WENT BACK HOME TO GET READY TO GO TO SINK THE PINK BUT FIRSTLY, AS I ALWAYS DO , I DECIDED TO TAKE A POWER NAP. LOVE SATURDAY AFTERNOON POWEN NAPS.

JORDAN IS ALWAYS GETTING FUCKING READY WHILE I’M TRYING TO FELL ASLEEP .HE HANGS AROUND FIRST WITH BOY CLOTHES, THEN WHEN I OPEN MY EYES AGAIN HE IS WEARING A DRESS AND JEANS , THEN ONLY THE DRESS THEN HE STARTS THE MESS OF THE MAKE UP (WHICH I HAVE TO CLEAN AFTER HE LEAVE COUSE IS ALWAYS “SORRY-SORRY IM IN A RUSH”).

YESTERDAY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DREAMS HE EVEN WOKE ME UP WITH THIS HORRIBLE TONE OF VOICE VERY DEEP, MANLY AND SHARP , JUST ONE POWERFUL “LUCA”, VERY BUTCH BUT WHEN I OPEN MY EYES IN TERROR FOR THE SHOCK I FOUND HIM DRESSED IN A GINGHAM ‘A’ LINE DRESS WITH BALOON SLEEVES AND A PROVOCATIVE CLEAVAGE . HIS FACE WAS ORANGE AND HE WAS WEARING TWO WIGS , ONE PINK ONE BLU, AND A BIG MEXICAN SOMBRERO, STILETTOS AND FLOWERS PINNED ON HIS BREST. HIS EYEBROWS AND LIPS WERE COVERED IN FRESH GLUE AND THIS PRICK ASKED ME TO HELP HIM TO PUT GLITTER ON THE GLUE.

THIS BASTARD MOTHERFUCKER JUST WOKE ME UP FOR THAT!

AFTER HE LAID DOWN ON THE FLOOR I HAD TO STAND OVER HIM AND PUTTING GLITTER ALL OVER HIS EYEBROWS AND LIPS. ALL THAT WHILE I WAS STILL FUCKED UP BY THE INTERRUPTED NAP . GLITTER WENT EVERYWHERE AND TODAY DARWIN SHIT WAS COVERED IN THEM.

ANYWAY AS SOON AS I FINISHED GLITTERING HIM I WENT BACK TO SLEEP. FUCK YOU , YOUR WIGS AND YOUR GLITTER.

………………………………..

I WOKE UP AROUND 8.30. DARWIN WAS NEXT TO ME IN THE BED AND THE HOUSE WAS SILENT AND DARK.

JORDAN LEFT AND I REALISED I WAS ALONE . GOOD.

I STOOD UP AND STARTED TO LIGHT THE CANDELS AND CREATE A BIT OF ATMOSPHERE FOR MYSELF . I SWITCHED ON THE RECORD PLAYER AND SOME PACHELBEL STARTED TO CRACK UNDER THE NEEDLE.  IF I WAS STILL DRINKING THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT TIME FOR A GLASS OF RED WINE. BUT I QUIT SO I HAD A CIGARETTE INSTEAD COUSE I STARTED SMOKING AGAIN AFTER I QUIT DRINKING…IT DOES MAKE SENSE RIGHT ??!??!?!

I WAS LOST IN THE SOUNDS OF VIOLINS AND STRINGS , DARWIN STILL SNORING ON THE SOFA AND PEONIES CLOSING GENTLY IN THE VASE ON THE TABLE WHEN …

“WHERE IS MY FUCKING CARPET????”

THE FIRST WAS A THOUGHT THEN I SCREAMED:

“WHERE IS MY FUCKING CARPEEEEET?????”

DARWIN JUMPED FROM THE SOFA AND WENT TO HIDE IN THE KITCHEN. THE RECORD PLAYER STOPPED AND PEONIS LOST ALL HER PETALS IN ONCE.

“WHERE IS ,

MY ,

FUCKING ,

CARPET  ?????”

IT WAS ALWAYS UNDER THE TABLE SINCE THE DAY WE BROUGHT IT BACK FROM CRETE.

FIRST MUMSY REACTION , I JUST RUN INTO THE KITCHEN AND OPENED THE WASHING MACHINE. I THOUGHT MAYBE JORDAN SPILLED SOME NAZAROO ON IT AND HE TOUGHT TO PUT A VERY OLD MEXICAN HANDWOVEN CARPET IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

IT WASNT THERE. 

I OPEN THE DOOR , MAYBE JORDAN SHAKED IT OUTSIDE TO TAKE SOME DOG-HAIR OUT OR HE , AGAIN SPILLED SOME MAKE UP ON IT.

IT WASNT THERE EITHER.

I LOOKED EVERYWHERE , NOTHING.

THE PLAN FOR THE NIGHT WAS TO HAVE A NICE BATH WITH CANDELS, WALING MY DOG , GETTING READY AND GO TO SINK THE PINK. NOTHING OF THAT HAPPENED COUSE I WAS SO FURIOUS THAT I JUST WORN MY JEANS AND VEST AND LEFT THE HOUSE AND TOOK THE TUBE.

“WHERE IS MY FUCKING CARPET JORDAN BOWEN?”

OUTSIDE SINK THE PINK THE QUEUE WAS MASSIVE SO I HAD TO WAIT A BIT AND I WOULD HAVE KILLED EVERYONE COUSE I WANTED TO KNOW WHERE MY CARPET WAS!

AS SOON AS I WENT IN I RUN UPSTAIRS IN THE DIRECTION WHERE JORDAN WORKS READY TO SMASH HIS FACE WITH MY BOOTS.

AS SOON AS HE SAW ME HE SAID:

“HEY, ALRIGHT?”

MY JAW DROPPED . WRAPPED AROUND HIS BODY AND DRAPED WITH SOME BADGES THERE WAS MY BELOVED STRIPY RUG.

JORDAN WAS ACTUALLY WEARING MY CARPET.

HASHTAG:

JORDAN:” LUCA , IM VERY SORRY. CHILL OUT . I DIDNT LIKE MY DRESS SO DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO WEAR AND THE THEME WAS AROUND THE WORLD SO I THOUGHT WAS PERFECT , AND YOU WERE SLEEPING…AND…AND…”

  
BACK FROM THE DENTIST.

TODAY I DID A LONG JOB WITH THE HYGENIST.

 2 STEPS OUT OF 3 DONE! 

AND NOW THE BIGGEST HAS TO COME . 

NOW ON THE SOFA TO CHILLAX

BUT TOO MUCH PAIN – I NEED AN AXE.